Who am I Anymore?

I always thought that when it came to relationships.. I'd be smarter than most.
That i wouldn't put up with anything that contributed to my unhappiness..
That I'd be strong enough to walk away and not look back.

That was before i fell for someone in a way that i promised myself i wouldn't.
I think maybe i maintained enough of that strong exterior.. that my love is comprimised every time i have to question his motives.
He no longer believe i love him... but his mentality is that he believes that i believe i do.. but i really don't..
He suddenly walks into the world i've been living in since the day he first said it to me.
I don't know if i've already said this.. but perhaps i still feel like because he's said it so many times, it's lost a lot of its meaning...
He didn't know me before..
He didn't know how closed off i was before him.
The very idea of loving someone.. .and actually saying it was something i didn't even want.
Do i tell him this?
Do i say to him.. well, it's not like i like loving you either... if i knew... i wouldn't have done it.
When is it too much?

I've become so possessive.
So untrusting..
So much like a typical pain in the ass girlfriend... i want to leave myself sometimes.

I thought it was resolved.
I had falling in love with him yet again.. cuz i thought it was safe to.
Then he comes at me telling me how to handle my feelings... how to deal with things... that my way is wrong and how he's upset with me about it.
Well why would i go to him?
It's always my fault because i'm crazy and over-emotional.
Sometimes outside perspectives helps to distinguish my own feelings.
I couldn't say any of that though.
I felt burned.
Betrayed.
I thought it was safe to let my feelings go outide and play.
And it takes so little for him to take that away.

I wish it was as it was in the beginning... when there wasn't this deep seeded love..
When walking away was an option.. because i knew what bullshit looked like when i saw it.

Slowly Going Insane

I'm losing it.. I know it..
I don't trust ANYTHING right now.
Why should I?
He's losing so much of my faith, i have no idea what to do.
Perhaps i should have listened a long time ago.. it wouldn't have gone this far.
Oh well.

I'm excited though.
I finally have something to look forward to that doesn't involve him.
It feels good.
I'm sure i'll miss him.
"Why don't you care that you're not gonna see me for a week?"
"I know I'll see you in a couple days"



Here's something i don't understand:
why is he still so committed to making her happy?
When she's around, nothing else matters but making her happy, at all costs.
I always end up being that cost.
It's my fault.
Why do i stick around?
I don't trust him.
And everyhting i feel about him is slowly fading away... and he could care less... because it'll always be my fault.

Only in times of desperation

I've used this thing twice to post something.. both times were out of desperation to say something and have it as record, without having to actually say it to someone.

I've always had a dualistic view on my life.. seeing one side, but trying to imagine all that i can't see.
If i'm happy, i end up convncing myself that happiness blinds me and makes things that i should see invisible.
So i end up trusting none of it.
I sabotage everything because i'm not content not knowing everything.
Everytime i'm optimistic about something, an inner voice tells me how stupid i am to trust something so completely.
I'm stupid to trust anything because i have no idea where things can end up, or what people in my life are capable of.
It's impossible to know everything about someone, so what makes me believe that i know what he's gonna do?
Sometimes i question if a relationship is even right for me. Solely on the basis that i can be just as happy alone.
Is it worth risking betrayal?
I trust myself because i know i waited, and was capapble of waiting until i knew with everything in me that it's what i wanted.
I can't say the same for him. He's been here... done everything before.
I cant help but to feel cheated, like once you've done something before, repeated visitation becomes less and less special.
I fall back on the knowledge that there's much i've done that isn't the most innocent... but there's also so much that i can absolutely say he's the only one.
I could just ask... but i don't trust him to tell me the truth.
And what do i say when he asks me?
Do i lie to him about indescretions that happened before him but would none the less affect him and us?
He calls me crazy.
Sometimes i think i am.
In constant paranoia.
And i hve no idea why,
Because it would be more true to my system of beliefs for there to be a lot i don't know.
For there to be things that i can't handle.
I wish for it to be as honest and open... but what actually is?
I find myself demanding things i, myself can't provide.

First loves have never been known to be easy.
There's no guarantee that it's possible to make one function.
I question why i try so hard.
Just so i don't have to feel it when it falls apart.
In life there's nothing that can be counted on, as everything is temporary.

"I love you so much. So much more than you choose to believe."
And i can't dispute that.
It's easier for me to beieve he's said it so many times that it's lost its meaning.
That way i can love him a little less.
And the days we're apart i can worry a little less.
And the time we're apart i can care a little less.
I find i sacrifice a lot to maintain my own sanity.
To take care of myself because i'm the only one that knows.

I wish that love was enough to make people honest.
I wish it was enough to make people loyal.
I wish it was enough to make things last.
I just wish it was enough.

Again

I love him... so fucking much...
It's my own insecurity.. i know it...
But i can't help but not believe that he's all there.
Is it that we're completely ok, and that it's all in my head?
Or is it that there's something so fundamentally broken that we're kidding oursleves here?
I don't want to lose him..
He seems less concerned about losing me...
I wish it was as easy for me to be away from him as it is to be away from me..
Maybe not...