Only in times of desperation

I've used this thing twice to post something.. both times were out of desperation to say something and have it as record, without having to actually say it to someone.

I've always had a dualistic view on my life.. seeing one side, but trying to imagine all that i can't see.
If i'm happy, i end up convncing myself that happiness blinds me and makes things that i should see invisible.
So i end up trusting none of it.
I sabotage everything because i'm not content not knowing everything.
Everytime i'm optimistic about something, an inner voice tells me how stupid i am to trust something so completely.
I'm stupid to trust anything because i have no idea where things can end up, or what people in my life are capable of.
It's impossible to know everything about someone, so what makes me believe that i know what he's gonna do?
Sometimes i question if a relationship is even right for me. Solely on the basis that i can be just as happy alone.
Is it worth risking betrayal?
I trust myself because i know i waited, and was capapble of waiting until i knew with everything in me that it's what i wanted.
I can't say the same for him. He's been here... done everything before.
I cant help but to feel cheated, like once you've done something before, repeated visitation becomes less and less special.
I fall back on the knowledge that there's much i've done that isn't the most innocent... but there's also so much that i can absolutely say he's the only one.
I could just ask... but i don't trust him to tell me the truth.
And what do i say when he asks me?
Do i lie to him about indescretions that happened before him but would none the less affect him and us?
He calls me crazy.
Sometimes i think i am.
In constant paranoia.
And i hve no idea why,
Because it would be more true to my system of beliefs for there to be a lot i don't know.
For there to be things that i can't handle.
I wish for it to be as honest and open... but what actually is?
I find myself demanding things i, myself can't provide.

First loves have never been known to be easy.
There's no guarantee that it's possible to make one function.
I question why i try so hard.
Just so i don't have to feel it when it falls apart.
In life there's nothing that can be counted on, as everything is temporary.

"I love you so much. So much more than you choose to believe."
And i can't dispute that.
It's easier for me to beieve he's said it so many times that it's lost its meaning.
That way i can love him a little less.
And the days we're apart i can worry a little less.
And the time we're apart i can care a little less.
I find i sacrifice a lot to maintain my own sanity.
To take care of myself because i'm the only one that knows.

I wish that love was enough to make people honest.
I wish it was enough to make people loyal.
I wish it was enough to make things last.
I just wish it was enough.