Being alone isn't lonely anymore.

Finally...
I can sit at home with no plans.
No company.
I remember this feeling.
There's no particular place that i'd rather be.
Content with the quiet.

A false sense of security

So we're working it out.
Just pretend everything's ok, and no one gets hurt.
I'll never admit to you or anyone else just how much i love you, and i'll never be disappointed when you fail to say it to me.
We can fake this.
And we'll make it.
I'll never care again, so you'll never hurt me again.
And i'll pretend that what you want matters.
Just be a good boy so i don't have to let myself try to be mad.
But don't expect me to ever be sorry again.

Protecting my fragile ego

Suck it up.
You knew it was the wrong thing to do when this all started.
You let yourself care.
You let him convince you this was worth having.
You should have left when you had the chance.
You were so close.
You were a sucker for him then.
You are an even bigger sucker now.
He keeps you in his life so he doesn't seem to be that jerk.
He IS that jerk.
He used you up until he was tired of having it.
He took everything you had and now is just throwing you out.
He has gone back on every promise he's ever made.
You were stupid to believe him.
You were stupid to make those same promises.
You are stupid now for keeping them.
You know how to get over this.
You know what you have to do.
Why are you so afraid?
You loved with no return.
You loved without question.
You loved without caution.
You have no one to blame but yourself.
You gave him the power to rip you up from the inside.
You gave him the right to stop loving you.
You gave him everything he needed to get over you.
He never gave you anything.
He gave you empty promises.
He gave you bullshit excuses.
He gave you lies to appease you.
While he took everything he could get out of you.
You don't want to admit you're wrong.
You don't want to admit that i was right all along.
You don't want to admit that you're unlovable.
You don't want to admit that he doesn't want you.
You'd rather let him fake it, so you don't have to hurt.
You'd rather live in a world shrouded with denial, than to do this.
You'd rather let him fuck you to feel a sense of closeness, than to admit to the canyon between you.
You refuse to see the world ahead.
You refuse to see the bright light, shining right above you.
You'd rather cry, to garner an ounce of guilt.
You'd rather make him love you again, than to find someone who will never stop...

Wrong again....

Physically...incapable..of.. letting this go...
Perhaps i made my mind up about the wrong thing...
I feel clear headed for the first time in a long time.
Why do i have to want this soo bad?
Knowing how he feels.. or doesn't feel...
I don't know how to let this go.
Nothing in me wants to.
At the same time... if i could go back.. i don't know if i'd do this agian.
I stayed a million miles away from relationships out of fear for this very feeling.
I didn't want to be in love with anyone.
I didn't want to have to get out of that love either.
And now that that moment is here... i was right not to want it.
I would have rather been alone this whole time, than to have to do this.
But now that it is here...
Why can't i let it go knowing how ridiculous it is to stay so committed?
So committed to something that doesn't want me.
Admits to not wanting me.
When did i become so weak?
So impossible?
So stupid?

What's the point in making decisions if i always make the wrong one?

Familiar surroundings are the first signs of peace.

I think it's finally safe to say, that if it ended tomorrow... i'll be ok.
I no longer ache for what was... finally understanding what will never be again.
I've mourned for this relationship long enough... it just isn't quite dead yet.
But i'm in a place where i don't feel a need to be in love.
I mean.. i do still love him.. and am still IN love with him... but i think i could just as easily not be.
I love being with my friends.
I love being with myself.
I love having my own life.
I think i was too caught up in having a partner... someone who somehow is a part of me.
He unfortunately didn't want the same.
He doesn't like anyone being too dependent on him unless there's something he's extracting from them.
I stopped being the cute smiley girl that just ALWAYS had a positive attitude.
I now was a clingy girl that required too much.
Too much attention.
Too much affection.
Too much love.
Got hurt too easily.
The fix?
I stop expecting anything.
I stop searching for any feeling behind his eyes.
I stop searching for any warmth behind his kisses.
I stop needing to hear his "i love you"s

Being with him is like being alone... and i'm finally back in a place where i feel i can be alone for the rest of my life.

Never knowing if I'm ahead or falling behind...

I love him so very much.
But since the beginning i've always questioned whether this love leaves me paralyzed.
I've always been independant.. ready to walk away at a moments notice...
But now it seems my phobia to pain has made walking away impossible.
I don't doubt the fact that he's lost a lot of love for me.
That I'm quickly becoming a burden.
That he'll never leave me... he'll just stop loving me completely one day..
Waiting for me to walk away so he can have a feigned sense of self pity.
Why do i stay?
Part of me wants to believe it would be stronger for me to stick through this.. even though it's hard and seems impossible.. but at the other ends awaits a life more fulfilling.. more connected.. everything i want.
The other part of me.. the more familiar part believes that the only way to prove my strength and independence is to walk away and not look back. That if life isn't up to par with what i want it to be.. then it's up to me to make the changes that'll bring me closer to that ideal.
The only setback is the fact that i can't erase this love.
This attachment.
This belief that walking away is a sign of giving up.
I don't know which side to fight.
The side telling me to have the strength to make this better.
Or the side telling me that a real woman would have walked away a long time ago.
I find myself in a constant state of struggle.. knowing both sides are right.. but not knowing which is the lesser of the two evils.
Wishing life was a movie that can be fastforwarded and rewound as i see fit.
I hate going through this so blind.

Ihate going through this.