Never knowing if I'm ahead or falling behind...

I love him so very much.
But since the beginning i've always questioned whether this love leaves me paralyzed.
I've always been independant.. ready to walk away at a moments notice...
But now it seems my phobia to pain has made walking away impossible.
I don't doubt the fact that he's lost a lot of love for me.
That I'm quickly becoming a burden.
That he'll never leave me... he'll just stop loving me completely one day..
Waiting for me to walk away so he can have a feigned sense of self pity.
Why do i stay?
Part of me wants to believe it would be stronger for me to stick through this.. even though it's hard and seems impossible.. but at the other ends awaits a life more fulfilling.. more connected.. everything i want.
The other part of me.. the more familiar part believes that the only way to prove my strength and independence is to walk away and not look back. That if life isn't up to par with what i want it to be.. then it's up to me to make the changes that'll bring me closer to that ideal.
The only setback is the fact that i can't erase this love.
This attachment.
This belief that walking away is a sign of giving up.
I don't know which side to fight.
The side telling me to have the strength to make this better.
Or the side telling me that a real woman would have walked away a long time ago.
I find myself in a constant state of struggle.. knowing both sides are right.. but not knowing which is the lesser of the two evils.
Wishing life was a movie that can be fastforwarded and rewound as i see fit.
I hate going through this so blind.

Ihate going through this.